Learn To Deal
I'll catch ya up on my past life, though i'm sure you already know about it. I was born on July 30, 1989 in Quincy, ill. My dad wasnt there, he was in prison for drugs. The next three years we lived with him..after he got out of prison..But soon they got a divorce. My dad always abused my mom, and would sometimes knock me upside the head. If I cried, he'd leave me there. So my family got my mom and i out of there, and into my grandmas old shack in Warsaw, Ill..which is now toast..We lived there for a few years until my mom met the coolest guy in the world, Clif. He was more of a father to me then anybody I have ever known. He taught me how to ride bikes, fish, mushroom hunt, build things, etc. Life was great..we were always outside spending time with eachother. Clifs job was just across the drive way, and mom didnt have a job except for leading girl scouts, so we were almost always together. But, my life was soon ruined when my mom picked me up from pee-wee practice. As soon as I hopped in the van she said we were gonna leave Clif. That was the end of him, I wasnt able to really ever see him. I felt lost without him. So my mom and i soon moved to an apartment in the wonderful town of Keokuk. I went to the crap hole school known as Torrence Elementary. Where *surprisingly* people wanted to shoot me cause of my Fubu t-shirts. sooo...My mom met Brett (she actually met him while she was going out with clif, but hey, what can ya do?)..we soon moved in with him and i thought he was the greatest until I saw what a loser he was. Sad thing is, right now, they're up at the bar having a drink ON CHRISTMAS DAY!!! I dont understand! oh well...Anyways I've lived her in MP for about 4-5 years. I've met some of the nicest people at the Mt. Pleasant Christian School. Everyone seems to be like a family there. I'm not a freshman...woohoo! Go freshman! ..not really.. I've had a few incounters with the wonderful thing called suicide, but hey I'm still here. i use to cut my wrists almost every day a year ago. But, my school sent me to the doctor, they put me on anti depressants and I'm doing good! woo hoo!..again..I got a boyfriend...John Timothy Oaks :P...and yes I love him alot! I usually spend my weekends with him...plus work at Willowbank on Saturdays and over school breaks. Last night, I broke ties with my dad, so we're completely over. He almost hit me, so I tried to walk over to Dennis', my gmas boss, cuz' that was my only resort. But my dad stopped me, told me to get in the truck, and he took me up to Mt. Pleasant, and that'll prolly be the last time we see eachother for a long time.
Christmas is extremely crappy this year without great grandma around..She died on December 8th this year. It totally sucked. I've been heart broken since, and still am. And people dont help much when they give me a bunch of bull shit about my life. But its all good..My family is starting to get along now, sad thing is it took my grandma dying for that to happen. Its gay, Christmas sucks ass and cat food. But hey...I'll learn to deal.

Favorite Quotes and Lyrics
Hold On Little Girl
Show Me What He's Done To You
Stand Up Little Girl
A Broken Heart Can't Be That Bad
~Mr.Big *To Be With You*~

Its killin me to know you
Without having the chance to hold you
And all I wanna do is show you
How I really feel inside
~Rushlow *I cant be your friend*~

I might not say it quite as much as i should
But when I say I love you, darlin', that means for good
So open up your heart and let me in
~Nick Lachey *This I Swear*~

Everytime our eyes meet
This feelin inside me
Is almost more than I can take
~Lonestar *Amazed*~

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me
So wont you kill me, so I die happy
My heart is yours to fill or burst
To break or bury, or wear as jewelry
Whichever you prefer
~Dashboard Confessional *Hands Down*~

You're such an inspiration for the ways that I will never ever choose to be
~A Perfect Circle *Judith*~

Its that damn cold night, Tryin to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand, take me somewhere new?
~Avril Lavigne *I'm With You*~

Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
~Good Charlotte *Hold On*~

I need your touch just too damn much
Lovin you isnt really something I should do
I shouldnt wanna spend my time with you
I should try to be strong
But baby you're the right kinda wrong
~Leann Rimes *The Right Kind of Wrong*~

I'm so confused, About what to do, Sometimes i wanna throw it all away
~Goldfinger *Superman*~

Reminds me how you laid us down
And gently smiled
Before you destroyed my life
Could ya find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces?
~Saliva *Rest In Pieces*~

I'm gonna smile cuz i wanna make you happy
Laugh so you cant see me cry
~Lonestar *I'm gonna smile*~

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
~3 Doors Down *Here Without You*~

And I know I may end up failing too
But I know you were just like me
With someone disappointed in you
~Linkin Park *Numb*~

Never had a dream come true
Til' the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
~S Club 7 *Never Had A Dream Come True*~

Everythings so blurry, Everyones so fake
Everybody's empty, and everything is so messed up
~Puddle Of Mudd *Blurry*~

Poems
A Great Grand-Daughters Prayer

I know that its her time, Lord,
For her to be with you,
Just let her know,
That I'll forever love her too.

We had some excellent times,
Far back in the past,
But when she became sick,
My heart was like glass.

She gave me something special,
Something I'll hold deep down inside,
She gave me that shooting star,
The night that she died.

I never got to say good-bye,
Or give her that last hug,
She was taken from me fast,
I hope she knew my love.

So tell her that I adore her,
Let her know how much I care,
It might be hard to go on,
But, this pain, I can bear.

~Bri~

Everything

Everything is falling
The pain that will not cease
Darkness is as a guiding cloud
To escape its dark amass is too much to bear

Everything is dying
Death reveals his veiled hand
His suppression fills my heart with grief
His laughter thrusts an awry knife into my heart

Everything is trying
Counting grains on the shore
Accomplishing some impotent cause
Tears of a soul reaching for something so far away

Everything is hiding
Fearing something unseen
Hoping that the lie they live is true
Holding on to something that left long ago


~Jared Hill~

Fallen

I've fallen. . . .

Such a disgrace

Every part of me has accepted

The inevitable truth. . . .

I can't make it on my own

And I know. . . .

I lie here all alone

My selfish heart longs. . . .

For just one tear of pity

Blinking away my tears. . . .

I see your smile

And your outstretched hand

Touches mine. . . .

Your hand is cold

And I realize. . . .

You've been there

All along. . . .


~Jared Hill~

To My Friends
Jert,
No matter what they say, I'll always love you. You're my hearts desire and you know that. Someday, we'll be together forever, and though it may bother some people, we'll make it. When "the going gets tough," you're there right by my side. I know I can trust you to make me feel better. When we say good-bye, is when I begin missing you again. I know I'll always have a shoulder to cry on, or sleep on ;). I'll continue to love you through thick and thin. We are 2 in a million Jert, and we're not even really 2 people, we're as one. We're apart of eachother, when I'm feeling down you are too, when my spirits are high so are yours. You're usually the one to be lifting up my spirits. I love you so much Jert...never forget it. With all the love in the world,
your Bert

Eddie,
We've always had our tiffs that were over absolutely nothing, well...we thought they were over something but they really werent. You've been leading me down the path of righteousness. Keep being the good friend you are Eddie. You're a very beautiful person, inside and out. Remember that!

Ashley A,
We've had some crazy times home slice. From my first experience with drugs to "Joining the 'sexual' world"...you've deffinately corrupted my life! But, its been the greatest fun i've had! Besides corrupting me you've also helped me with my every day life. You've made me realize that you gotta live life to the fullest. And that suicide is a really stupid way out. Love ya dude!

Ryan,
You've been playing a big role in my life for the past year and a half. You always made my life happy, Uncle Daddio. You've taken place of my real dad, and I promise you, you'll be walking me down the isle when i get married ;). I'll never forget some of the things you've done for me. The night grandma died, you held me for what seemed like hours. When I walked up to you, you could tell I'd been crying, and I was starting to cry again. You just took me in your arms and held me there for so long. I felt love, warmth, and comfort in those long minutes. Grandma soon joined in on the hug, I felt loved for once.

Lisa,
We've had good times together, Weezer. I'm glad we have the relationship we have. We're able to share almost everything with eachother. You were the first person to know about the whole suicide thing because I could trust you, and I knew you could help me. That night you gave me our first hug, I'll hold that in my heart forever. And the night grandma died...when mom forced me to look at her...i turned around, and ran straight into you. To get the warmest hug. You held me for quite awhile too. Running your fingers through my hair, I felt your love. We can relate in oh so many ways. I never want to lose the relationship we have. I'll love and cherish our memories forever.

Grandma,
I'll be right by your side come hell or water high. I love you dearly gram, we've all lost someone close to us, she was my super-hero, she was your mom. But she'll remain in our hearts forever. We have our memories to live off of. To cherish forever and ever. To look back on, laugh, and cry. she looked so beautiful that night. It was the greatest thing, knowing she was in a better place, it was a blessing.

Krystin,
You're a very pretty girl, never doubt yourself. You are very talented also. And remember you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. Keep up with God Krys, never let your relationship with Him fade. Stay happy and HEALTHY for me krys...Dont do anything stupid.